Ladies and Gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure in introducing one of the funniest people I know,
Now it may or may not always be that he is trying to be funny, but pound for pound more funny things have happened to this young lad than anyone I know.
One of my favorites involve's the Lewis Mobile. I'm not talking about the 50 mobile phones he's either dropped down the toilet or lost when out. I'm talking about his trusty Scooter/moped.
Lewis used to be one of my housemates. Every evening around the same time you could hear Lewis on his way home, his moped buzzing up the road sounding like a hand blender.
One evening Lewis was feeling a little peckish. So he decided to go and get himself a nice pizza. Now everyone knows that Asda's own, "make it in front of you" pizza's are the best, and Lewis being the food obsessed fella he is, headed straight for the butt slapping price saving Mecca, ASDA.
On arrival Lewis did his usual moped routine. Keys out, Helmet off, gloves off, chain up bike. Then headed straight for the pizza counter. He was in and out in just under 5 minutes. Not the fastest time ever, but the new guy was having trouble separating the mozzarella slices. Give him time he'll learn.
Happy at the thought of settling down to watch another Will Smith movie Lewis headed over towards his chained up bike. As he got nearer he noticed something terrifying!
Something more challenging than any gladiator assault course including the 'hand bike!' Something more chilling than a history teachers breath.
Oh yeas a small gathering of 15 year old chavy kids.
"Nice shopping mate"
Staying focused Lewis didn't reply
"I said nice shopping mate"
Lewis opened his seat and put his freshly made Pizza inside. "You'll be safe inside there mr pizza"
" Can ya not ear me mate? I said nice shopping?"
The humiliation was starting to become unbearable. But still Lewis didn't reply to the sharpened arrows of shopping insults. Instead he put on his gloves.
" Haha, I bet its his mom's shopping. haha! I bet ya mums ya dad" ( Classic diss )
Still nothing. Helmet on.
"What ya been buying? Tampons?"
He straddled the Lewis mobile (Moped)
"Can't ya hear me mate? Oi are you gay or somefink?" ( I have honestly heard this insult. The thought that being a homosexual means you are also deaf is quite a sweeping statement. Even for a chavster. )
Finally Lewis is ready, he turns the key. The engine roars to life! Vrrrroooommmm.
This is it. This is his moment, the moment to show these Chavs he isn't scared of a group of tracksuited 15 year olds, He turns to them, flips up his visor and shouts.
"Kiss my balls you chavy bastards."
He revs the motor once more preparing to speed away, laughing in the face of pre pubescent danger.
Vroooommmmmmmmm hdlkmnfdohjd CLINK CLANK CLUNK!!!!!!
He had forgotten his bike is still chained up!!!
Now on his back wheel ridding his highly revved bike like a rodeo bull. Whilst the chavs are all crying with laughter as Lewis destroys his back wheel.
And here is a video of the man himself. Fast asleep in all his clothes, IN MY BED!! WATCHING MY TV!!! STINKING!!!