Monday, 30 March 2009

Holidaying with the wife.

Having asked a few friends about their holidays alone with the wife I have reached these conclusions.

Women seem very happy for it to be just the two of you going away, lying on a beach for the entire time trying to get some colour into your blue blotchy skin, I sometimes wonder if women actually enjoy the holiday itself. All that sunbathing, turning over back and forth and putting on endless amounts of sun cream is not my idea of a holiday. To me it sounds more like a hospital visit to remove haemorroids. ON YOUR FRONT MR COLLINS!

It seems to me that a holiday for the female species is much like an MOT for a car. It disappears for a few days and then suddenly returns, looking better than ever but making you skint in the process! Then after a few weeks it starts to fade and return to the vehicle you were used to driving before. Ahem.

Men on the other hand seem to need a lot more entertainment. And a holiday with just their loved one can be a little boring after a day or two. This is why games like beach tennis (big bats and spongey ball), snorkelling and crazy golf were invented.

The only problem with going on holiday just as a couple means you don't have an equally skilled activities buddy. Waiting whilst Kate is on her 50th shot is about as dull as sunbathing on the beach!

A video of Kate trying her best to keep me amused. (Apologies that the vid is side on).

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Doing a B&Q ad, Bestman speech

Apologies for the lack of actual thoughts and things funny. I am doing a B&Q advert this week. Not acting mind. Just on set pressing record. Basically what a director does but I actually use my finger.

I'll fob you off with a video from a few years back. Me doing my best man speech for laurence. I've been best man 3 times now. I wonder what the record for one person is?

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

VIDEO! I am the music man I come from far away.

To say I was in a band for 5 yrs i can barely play an instrument. Well I'm ok on the drums but it just doesn't seem to count.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Argue with an idiot? YOU WILL LOSE!

Arguing with an idiot is possibly the most pointless thing you can do. They do not hear your point. They do not hear your anger and frustration. They do not notice you're even there. Some of the biggest idiots in the world can be found in the following places:

Mobile phone shops, especially 3 network and phones 4 u.
Virgin's call centre
Boots
On trains
Community police officer things
Chemists (the ones who think they are doctors)
Bouncers

Idiots really are everywhere, and the worst and most powerful idiots are those bloody jobsworth idiots. You know the kind who have only got to their rank of authority due to the boss needing every last inch of butt being licked so clean that you could eat your dinner off it.

My most recent argument with an idiot came a few weeks ago. I have recently been going out of my mind with my mobile phone. It turns itself off, the screen goes dead, the reception is worse than tin cans and string. It is basically a piece of shit. Now I don't really care anymore if my phone can take a picture, check my heart rate or fly. All I want it to really be able to do is.... BE A PHONE!!!!

I had got so fed up with phoning 3 to complain, then getting cut off by the fault I was complaining about. I decided I was going to take my phone to the shop and get this sorted once and for all.

Phone in hand I entered the shop. It felt and looked like being inside an ice cube. The phones are strung up in their millions across each wall. Each on a tiny leash. Prisoners to the shop.

A tall thin weirdly-toothed young man catches my eye and wonders over. Struggling to walk right as he's obviously borrowed his dads suit. But he has made it his own by adding a comedy tie.

Ladies and gentleman this is our idiot.

I take a deep breath.

"Hello sir how can we help you today?"

"Err"

"Can we interest you in a new phone?" "Are you currently on 3?" "How many texts do you make a day" "Do you like cheese?" "Do you need to keep your old telephone number" "Do you..?"

I slap him in the face to stop the sales rant.

" I am actually already a 3 customer and have come here to complain about how crap my phone is "

All the energy and excitement of a possible new sale drain from the glorified sales chimps face. The only sniff of a bonus he will get from me is to have something to talk to Cindy about when they have there next flurtasious fag break.

" What seems to be the problem then sir "

" well 'sales chimp' "

I take an even deeper breath. This is it. This is my time. MY TIME TO RANT AND TELL HIM HOW SHITE HIS PHONE IS. TELL HIM HOW ANGRY IT MAKES ME. TELL HIM I AM NOT A HAPPY BUNNY!!! COME ON LETS GO!!

The following is in super high speed talk.

" My phone turns itself off, It seems to have a mind of its own. It will literally cut off at what always seems to be the most vital point of the call. The screen goes blank when i am texting and sometimes has actually sent blank texts to people, making me look like I have about the same grasp of phone technology as my mum. Not all of the keys work so it is quicker for me to use a Z as an S, thus making me look as clazzy az a chav. I have to be on guard 24/7 as it randomly selects what ring tone I have. Several times I haven't realised it was 'me ringing' because I would never choose the' crazy frog' ringtone. The battery dies so quickly I take a generator with me when I leave the house. All in all it is the worst thing I own and I would like a refund or new phone now please."

By this point I am out of breath. The sales chimp, still slightly smiling wonders if I have finished. He takes a moment to wipe the spit from my rant off his face. And says

" We haven't had any complaints before. There's nothing wrong with those phone. " He looks at me as if I have been abusing my phone like someone who miss treats puppies. This goes around in a circle for the next 30 mins.

AHHHHHHHHH. I start to cry.

I am now 4 months away from my contract ending. I feel like one of the phone's in their shop trapped and tied on a leash a prisoner to 3 network!!!
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In the same way you can't have an argument with a idiot. It is also impossible to interview someone who is off there head. This is one of the funniest things I have seen on youtube. Mr James Brown off his mind on the news.

Friday, 13 March 2009

Stupid moped - LEWIS

Ladies and Gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure in introducing one of the funniest people I know,

Lewis Bebbington!

Now it may or may not always be that he is trying to be funny, but pound for pound more funny things have happened to this young lad than anyone I know.

One of my favorites involve's the Lewis Mobile. I'm not talking about the 50 mobile phones he's either dropped down the toilet or lost when out. I'm talking about his trusty Scooter/moped.

Lewis used to be one of my housemates. Every evening around the same time you could hear Lewis on his way home, his moped buzzing up the road sounding like a hand blender.

One evening Lewis was feeling a little peckish. So he decided to go and get himself a nice pizza. Now everyone knows that Asda's own, "make it in front of you" pizza's are the best, and Lewis being the food obsessed fella he is, headed straight for the butt slapping price saving Mecca, ASDA.

On arrival Lewis did his usual moped routine. Keys out, Helmet off, gloves off, chain up bike. Then headed straight for the pizza counter. He was in and out in just under 5 minutes. Not the fastest time ever, but the new guy was having trouble separating the mozzarella slices. Give him time he'll learn.

Happy at the thought of settling down to watch another Will Smith movie Lewis headed over towards his chained up bike. As he got nearer he noticed something terrifying!

Something more challenging than any gladiator assault course including the 'hand bike!' Something more chilling than a history teachers breath.

Oh yeas a small gathering of 15 year old chavy kids.

"Nice shopping mate"

Staying focused Lewis didn't reply

"I said nice shopping mate"

Lewis opened his seat and put his freshly made Pizza inside. "You'll be safe inside there mr pizza"

" Can ya not ear me mate? I said nice shopping?"

The humiliation was starting to become unbearable. But still Lewis didn't reply to the sharpened arrows of shopping insults. Instead he put on his gloves.

" Haha, I bet its his mom's shopping. haha! I bet ya mums ya dad" ( Classic diss )

Still nothing. Helmet on.

"What ya been buying? Tampons?"

He straddled the Lewis mobile (Moped)

"Can't ya hear me mate? Oi are you gay or somefink?" ( I have honestly heard this insult. The thought that being a homosexual means you are also deaf is quite a sweeping statement. Even for a chavster. )

Finally Lewis is ready, he turns the key. The engine roars to life! Vrrrroooommmm.

This is it. This is his moment, the moment to show these Chavs he isn't scared of a group of tracksuited 15 year olds, He turns to them, flips up his visor and shouts.

"Kiss my balls you chavy bastards."

He revs the motor once more preparing to speed away, laughing in the face of pre pubescent danger.

Vroooommmmmmmmm hdlkmnfdohjd CLINK CLANK CLUNK!!!!!!

He had forgotten his bike is still chained up!!!

Now on his back wheel ridding his highly revved bike like a rodeo bull. Whilst the chavs are all crying with laughter as Lewis destroys his back wheel.

And here is a video of the man himself. Fast asleep in all his clothes, IN MY BED!! WATCHING MY TV!!! STINKING!!!

Monday, 9 March 2009

- !!! VIDEO BLOG !!! - Give a little whistle

A VIDEO BLOG. ANOTHER TALE ABOUT MY WIFE KATE.

Good dog bad dog radio.

A friend forwarded this to me today. He used to do a little radio show in Nottingham and asked me to phone in with my dog knowledge. This is probably when I was 21. Always been a plonker.



I finally got down to doing a broken biscuits facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Broken-Biscuits /55112764521?ref=mf

JOIN! We shall add our video's and hopefully some of the BBC3 pilot stuff as soon as we are allowed to

Sunday, 8 March 2009

cat chat

One of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life is my cat talk.
What!??? I hear you cry.
Its true!!

We have always been a family of cat lovers. There's nothing better than paying for all their food, cleaning up their mounds of shite and having their hairs on all your clothes, But it really is all worth it when they come to sit on your knee during your favourite tv show and stick their chocolate tea towel holder in your face. Cheers, nice.

One of my fondest memories of my cat is the time she said Bob Geldoff. It was a usual sunday afternoon. Mum was making the Sunday dinner, Dad was already asleep in his chair. Stephen was probably in his room thinking. Myself and my sisters were in the living room. Playing our usual game of throwing the cats near Nanny. Now we mainly did this for one reason and one reason only. That was to hear our lovely wonderful Nan say. Oooo nice pussy. Childish I know. But I think we had entertainment from this for at least three years (God bless her soul).

All of a sudden the cat started to convulse. blurrr blaaahh bllaay. Now when cats are being sick they make a weird growl meow sound that can sound quite human. The more the cat pushed to get the furry sick up the more it sounded human

bluurr bimng caarrrrbo booohbbj baob BOB GELDOFF!!!

"OUR CAT JUST SAID BOB GELDOFF!!!!

See this for details.

Friday, 6 March 2009

ME INTERVIEWED ON BBC RADIO

Two days ago I got a call from the producer of the BBC Radio Nottingham breakfast show. He had heard a few things about what I had been up to and wanted me to talk about what its like to start doing comedy. I think by the sound of it the presenter fancied himself as a bit of a comedian too. It was a really good laugh and here are the best bits.



Along with a feature on me!! Funny!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nottingham/content/articles/2009/03/05/martin_collins_comedian_feature.shtml

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

BROKEN BISCUITS

So I guess as part of my story I need to put up a little about Broken Biscuits. This is our gang. We are a mixture of comedians, actors, editor, director, sound, music, and fx. These are the guys who I filmed the BBC3 pilot with. We also have started doing live stuff.

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Eye could be Mental

I am slowly turning into a james bond bad guy!

I have had a slight twitch in my eye for about two weeks now, and It is driving me potty!! To give you some idea as to how it feels. Its kinda makes me imagine its what a baby kicking inside a woman's womb would feel like, but worse of course, Hmmm I hope I'm not birthing a new eye. That would be annoying. I mean what if it turns out its not mine and my eye has been cheating on me. I better keep an eye out for that.

My eye is making me look like a psychotic serial killer! "I don't want to harm you but I'd just love to see what it's like to wear your face." You know the sort.

It also reminds me of the baddy in the pink panther films Dreyfus.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Its a litter bit funny

This is the the most impressive littering I have ever seen.

An empty coke can attached to a railing. As if to say. "If its done correctly, it isn't littering."

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I hate littering. Its so chavy and shows immediately that you are a knob.

BUT....

In cases where I have had no choice but to litter the thought of putting the litter on something seems a lot nicer than leaving it on the ground. Other nice ways to litter include. Beside a tree/post, by someone else's litter, digging a hole, or if you really have to put it on the floor. Bend your knees and place it on the floor.

Holidays are COMING??!!

A friend of mine used to work as a travel agent. You know the type of thing these days. Rows of desks, a computer and a travel agent who has been to cyprus twice, therefore knows the world.

Meet Michael my travel agent mate.
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Now Michael is one of my most towny mate. ( No offense Michael ) He's a very witty nice bloke but back then you wouldn't trust him near your mrs or your sister. You know the sort.

Its just a normal day for Michael at the travel agent. He's shuffling the books, making a nice neat pile. He's making a coffee for the girl in the office that he fancies, He's considering his next tattoo. All of a sudden in walks a very distinguished gentleman. " Hello sir are you 'ere to look at holidays?" Michael asks with his chimney sweep english. " Of course I am!: replies the slight snooty gent.

They go over to a free desk and begin to debate destinations. " Have you tried Ayia Nappa?" And so on.

The gent doesn't seem to turned on by Michael's booze cruise suggestions so he suggests somewhere more exotic and calming ,like the Maldives. PING!!!! Michael knows the Maldives. His more classy sister has been there before. I'll show this pompous git my travel agent skills. HA HA!

Spinning his computer screen around Michael suggests they google search the maldives. And in particular the capital of the maldives, MALE ( note this usually has one of those hat things on it, to make it sound like marley ). The slightly snobbish gent stares at the screen whilst Michael types Male into google images. He hits return, and yes you guessed it, this comes up in the gents face.

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And probably not for the first time.

Sunday, 1 March 2009

Beadles a drought

When I was 15 I honestly thought I could possibly earn a living off faking videos for You've been Framed. So far not one as ever even been considered. This was my best hope. Not a penny.