Saturday, 21 February 2009

MENTAL WIFE!

This morning so far has been shite.

I was happily partying away last night, you know the usual thing, getting girls in headlocks, shaking my money maker and generally being well cool, when all of a sudden Kate ( my lady wife ) comes over and announces. "we are going home!"

"Like hell we are!!!" I carry on boogying.

"MARTIN!!!! We have to go now. My parents are coming first thing tomorrow morning!"

Dum dum dummmmmm.

Now Kate's parents are lovely people and surprisingly cool for older folk. ( Please note I said older not old! )

It wasn't the thought of them that had left me dead on the dance floor with a look of dread in my face. No no no. It was the thought of another person coming to stay for there visit too. MENTAL Kate. ( Kate's alter ego )

Mental Kate, for those of you who don't know is what happens to my lovely wife when she gets a bee in her bonnet about something. She becomes possibly the most insanely annoying force on earth. Now I love my wife to bits but sometimes a little too much excitement or a special occasion such as parents seeing our new London flat, can create a monster in my lovely lady.

After having to leave the party early, we get in at 1am.

I am busy doing my usual brushing my teeth whilst doing my other bedtime rituals ( I believe this saves me time, ) getting into my PJ's, turning off the computer, I even clean them whilst I have my last wee. Now usually I am left to my own devices at this point. Not when MENTAL Kate's in town. She sees this as the perfect opportunity to give me the game plan and my jobs for tomorrow morning. Now thats some sexy pillow talk.

I want you out of bed by 6am. You are to do the following.

Dishes
Polish
Hoovering
Change the bed sheets
Mop the floors
Wear your nice new shirt!!

I know at this point that tomorrow morning is going to be HELL!!

-6am the following morning.-

I am rudely awoken by what can only be described as a mad woman on heat staring over my face. It looks like the woman I married, there just seems to be nothing behind the eyes. As if she has become possessed. "Right get up!"

We are off. Well Kate is. I manage to sneak another twenty minutes before she realises I didn't actually get up. HAHAHA!!

The rest of the morning is spent doing my jobs, then redoing them as they were not done properly the first time.

I am now sat on the sofa feeling slightly on edge. Mental Kate is distracted, making random banging noises in the bathroom. I have sneaked away for five minutes to write this. Hoping she doesn't find me sat here, skiving in my nice new shirt.

Wish me luck. They're here for a week.

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1 comment:

  1. Morning after Aussie Rules Grand Final, Tara's best mate, husband and baby are arriving at Melbourne airport at 8.35am and I recall nothing after about 6pm the previous day's party / bbq / cocktails shenanigans. Note by the bed: "YOU ARE A CUNT"

    Australia Day bbq avec our own keg of locally brewed niceness and unlimited quality wine (helps to know booze makers and peddlers!). I again have no recollection of the latter hours. Tara leaves party before me to meet other friends. Tells them we're getting divorced.*

    Incredible how unreasonable women can be at times.


    * We're not. Although I am banned from calling her a "fucking nag". As are my mates.

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