Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Anyone can play guitar. But I don't want to.

Being a 13 yr old male is about the time you start seeing what tickles your fancy. Gangs of lads with one major thing in common start to form all over the playground.

Ooo we like football. Ooo we like cars. Ooo we like technical stuff and are really geeky. Ooo I like crisps. Though I was a member of the crisps gang I also joined the, Ooo we play a musical instrument and therefore are better than you group.

My first instrument of choice was to be the electric guitar. After almost drowning in my own dribble whilst watching Marty Mcfly do "Go Jonny Go" on the first Back to the future. This guitar scene blew me away. It has everything a thirteen year old boy longs for. Cool instrument, Cool guitar skills, Fit birds everywhere in awe of you, jocks looking on in amazement and time travel.

"Dad you must get me some guitar lessons!!!" I screamed at his bearded bemused face. Now my dad and John Peel were possible separated at birth. Not just cos of the hair issues but also the fact he has such a good music taste. Yes he likes all the oldies, King Crimson, Dylan, Zeplin, Bryn Howarth. But also his recent purchases have been albums like, Kings of Leon, The Prodigy and Rage Against The Machine. I'm not saying he is as in touch as Mr Peel was. Not all modern day music floated my dad's boat. Infact one of my favorite music themed quotes from my dad is "I just can't get on with that Rufus Wainwright. He gives me the willies." I don't think you're his type dad.

My father was actually over the moon that I wanted to follow in his guitaring footsteps, and agreed to fund my future rock n roll career. Straight away I was given a guitar as an early birthday present. Now I was kinda thinking of a purple flying V shaped guitar, but what I got was more like the guitar that the bird Maria has on the film the sound of music. Not the best start. Soon after though my lessons were booked in the diary, and I was getting on the road to rock stardom. It wasn't going to be long before I was a time traveling guitar hero, blowing the nipples off 1950's high school kids. Saying I guess you aint ready for that yet.... But your kids are gonna love.

THE DAY OF THE FIRST LESSON

I made sure i was wearing the coolest clothing I could find. At the time a Hi-Tech multi colored shellsuit was the weapon of choice. Making sure I used gel and was chewing a fat piece of gum we headed off in my tour bus otherwise known as dads Volvo.

"Here we are son" The tour manager pronounced. "cheers dad... I mean tour manager man" I enter the arena, a 1970's semi detached house. Of course we head straight for the garage. I'm mean we are going to be making some killer noises, best keep it away from the ladies. The garage door swings open "hello Cleveland!!" Looking around the garage it started to sink in how cool this was, and possibly the most manly I had ever felt to date, I'm mean how much more manly can you get than playing loud acoustic guitar to differing Black n Decker power tools.

All was going well at this point. " Take a seat Martin", the teacher instructed. " Its ok I'm happy to stand here with one foot up on this amp/lawn mower, its my preffered rock stance." The teacher insisted i sit down, so I take a seat. It was a good job he did, I probably would have passed out from what was about to happen. Sat there eagerly waiting to be told that the first lesson when learning to play guitar is how to hold off crowds of crazed babes. This was not quite to be the case.

The teacher and I are both sat opposite one another, he hands me a small metal deck chair device. " Whats this?" I chuckle as if to say you ain't gonna get me that easily. "Its for putting your foot on Martin" " For what?!!?" "for resting your leg open so you can hold your guitar like this" His guitar is now nearly up right and resting on his genitals. "What!!??"

My dad had in fact signed me up for classical/Spanish guitar lessons. Nooooo Seriously uncool. Seriously no chicks will dig this. Now i'm imagining me back in time, in the 1950's. I now get handed an acoustic guitar. Oo wait a minute where's my little foot stool. Have you got a seat. Ooo lets play a little flamenco classical number. The dance floor is silent. No-one says a word. People's jaws have taken the elevator to the basement. I get up all smug and say "I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet.... But your PARENTS are gonna love it."


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