Friday, 27 February 2009

Serious world of playstation

Now this is weird. Play this video, 1 min or so in, myself and Spencer are mentioned at this year's Playstation keynote speech. I was watching this thinking wow that really makes us sound proper pro. I then realised it was 10am and I was still sat in my pants, watching morning tv, with milk from my cereal on my belly. PROPER PRO.

How strange.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Stand up gig 2

My oh my. The venue was probably bigger than the first gig, but there was only a handful of people in there. No mates nobody there to help and support me apart from my lady.

It was a really tough experience but I think it still went well. At first the crowd had no idea what I was doing. Doing a comedy character act pretending to think that everyone there has actually come for my ghost walk did leave people looking very confused. But after a little while they seemed to settle in and start to enjoy it. Thank GOD!

I think I learnt a lot more from last night, possibly more than the previous successful gig. It would be so easy to just crumble and sod it off. But sod that! If you think something is funny and worthy of attention that really is all that matters. The promoter was a top bloke and does a much bigger night with pro acts. This seems to be his way of spotting and supporting up and coming comedy. So fair play to him, top man.

Its a tough game this comedy but when its good its really good, I do have a taste for it now big or small gig.

Come see us at 100 club! Broken Biscuits sketch show. 7th March.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Stand up a 2nd time

I have another stand up gig tonight. All quite scary. Its a really weird nerve wracking thing doing stand up. Tonight will probably be just me and a room full of strangers. Plus my ever supportive lady. Will a room full of total strangers get it???!! We shall see.

I mean it could be worse.

I love the fact on this one that at the end he even fails to get someone to cheers his glass. Oooo

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Like a puppet bin laden

Whilst puppeteering you can find yourself stuck in a very awkward position for quite some time, This can be caused by many things the camera being re positioned, lighting being repositioned or the director be made his special earl grey cup of tea which the tea bag has only been left in for 7 seconds. I KID YOU NOT! On set recently myself and three other puppeteers, Will, Jonny, Joel were stuck in a box waiting for a good half hour for these things to be done. All we had to amuse ourselves in this time was some gaffa tape. But see the endless amount of fun you can have with gaffa tape! We made ourselves look like historic bad guys!

JONNY SAB Adolf Hitler


WILL HARPER AKA Benito Mussolin






This is one of Simon's ads I puppeteered on recently. The infamous Bin!!

Monday, 23 February 2009

I will be a sight for four eyes

I have finally decided I need to become a Specky four eyed geek. My eyesight is so shite I can see clearer through the back of my head! My options are contacts or glasses. I know contacts would drive me potty as I have HUGE hands. Ask anyone. They're like shovels. I find it hard to do my shoelaces let alone stick a tiny see through disc in my face! So glasses it is.

Or there could be another option. Little mini look out Martins.


Sunday, 22 February 2009

Saturday, 21 February 2009


This morning so far has been shite.

I was happily partying away last night, you know the usual thing, getting girls in headlocks, shaking my money maker and generally being well cool, when all of a sudden Kate ( my lady wife ) comes over and announces. "we are going home!"

"Like hell we are!!!" I carry on boogying.

"MARTIN!!!! We have to go now. My parents are coming first thing tomorrow morning!"

Dum dum dummmmmm.

Now Kate's parents are lovely people and surprisingly cool for older folk. ( Please note I said older not old! )

It wasn't the thought of them that had left me dead on the dance floor with a look of dread in my face. No no no. It was the thought of another person coming to stay for there visit too. MENTAL Kate. ( Kate's alter ego )

Mental Kate, for those of you who don't know is what happens to my lovely wife when she gets a bee in her bonnet about something. She becomes possibly the most insanely annoying force on earth. Now I love my wife to bits but sometimes a little too much excitement or a special occasion such as parents seeing our new London flat, can create a monster in my lovely lady.

After having to leave the party early, we get in at 1am.

I am busy doing my usual brushing my teeth whilst doing my other bedtime rituals ( I believe this saves me time, ) getting into my PJ's, turning off the computer, I even clean them whilst I have my last wee. Now usually I am left to my own devices at this point. Not when MENTAL Kate's in town. She sees this as the perfect opportunity to give me the game plan and my jobs for tomorrow morning. Now thats some sexy pillow talk.

I want you out of bed by 6am. You are to do the following.

Change the bed sheets
Mop the floors
Wear your nice new shirt!!

I know at this point that tomorrow morning is going to be HELL!!

-6am the following morning.-

I am rudely awoken by what can only be described as a mad woman on heat staring over my face. It looks like the woman I married, there just seems to be nothing behind the eyes. As if she has become possessed. "Right get up!"

We are off. Well Kate is. I manage to sneak another twenty minutes before she realises I didn't actually get up. HAHAHA!!

The rest of the morning is spent doing my jobs, then redoing them as they were not done properly the first time.

I am now sat on the sofa feeling slightly on edge. Mental Kate is distracted, making random banging noises in the bathroom. I have sneaked away for five minutes to write this. Hoping she doesn't find me sat here, skiving in my nice new shirt.

Wish me luck. They're here for a week.


Friday, 20 February 2009

Stand up Nick

Oh man. That is all I could say after seeing a new mate of mine, Nick Helm, Do stand up. The boys got some serious skills. I blooming love the eastenders gag. This is one of the guys from the sketch troop we are doing called Broken Biscuits.

Matt steer is another broken biscuit! He is the one who looks like he could be either aquatic or a Simpson. Ie the one on the left.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

My first Stand up gig

Two weeks ago I got a text off Spencer saying "I have booked your first live stand up show". Now this has been something I've wanted to do for ages, but have always chickened out. At the time I thought NO!!!!!!!!!!

But anyhow I gave it a go, and loved it. Ok so the act needs a lot of work etc. And I know it ain't the most original piece of comedy work ever but it kinda has its moments.

Let me know your thoughts.

Monday, 16 February 2009

Tonight is my first stand up night!

Ever since a very young age I have considered myself to be a fairly funny lad.

I guess this helps if you wish to pursue a career in comedy. Ever since I can remember I have done little sketches at school and on friends' cameras. Heres one of the earliest I could find.

So tonight I break my duck and attempt my first live comedy performance. Spencer and I are doing a few sketches with others and I'm doing a bit on my own. I am slightly shitting it. My own bit is very random and involves me pretending the crowd ( if there is one ) is actually there for a ghost walk. I then tell some very daft ghost stories and leave the stage!

Oh how I hope this works.

I shall make sure I update the blog tomorrow to tell you all how it went. AHHhhhhhhhh.

Oh sod it. I'm sure it will be fine.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Beating siblings.

I saw a video the other day and it really reminded me of how competitive me and my siblings were as kids. I still believe that Stephen would find more joy in beating me at something than any other person in the world. In fact if Stephen me and Usain Bolt had a 100m metre race and Stephen weirdly won, I don't think he would bat an eyelid at beating the world record holder. Oh no! He would be straight over to me shouting "In your face!"

As you can imagine growing up with three siblings meant that winning at anything was the greatest of achievements. Winning meant that you could swan around the house with a big smug smile on your face. Winning meant whenever you felt like it you could say. "I am the best I WON!!"

There is still nothing worse than seeing a smug, 'I'm better than you' smile on my sister's or brother's face. It probably still is the thing that gets me angry the quickest. With all this at stake it really can bring out the greatest celebration moments. Moments where you totally lose it. Sod being a good sportsman and congratulating the efforts of the competitors. This is the time to enjoy your glory. This is the time to rub it in their faces. This is the time to show your victory dance!!

Friday, 13 February 2009

Sorry bout that.

This morning I put the jack socket from my earphones, which is meant to go in the ipod, in my right ear and vice versa. I thought that was pretty dumb until a mate sent me this.

Planes pants and frozen lakes.

Now this is one of the funniest things i've seen for a while. Done by a friend Mat McCallum. Good skills sir!

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Anyone can play guitar. But I don't want to.

Being a 13 yr old male is about the time you start seeing what tickles your fancy. Gangs of lads with one major thing in common start to form all over the playground.

Ooo we like football. Ooo we like cars. Ooo we like technical stuff and are really geeky. Ooo I like crisps. Though I was a member of the crisps gang I also joined the, Ooo we play a musical instrument and therefore are better than you group.

My first instrument of choice was to be the electric guitar. After almost drowning in my own dribble whilst watching Marty Mcfly do "Go Jonny Go" on the first Back to the future. This guitar scene blew me away. It has everything a thirteen year old boy longs for. Cool instrument, Cool guitar skills, Fit birds everywhere in awe of you, jocks looking on in amazement and time travel.

"Dad you must get me some guitar lessons!!!" I screamed at his bearded bemused face. Now my dad and John Peel were possible separated at birth. Not just cos of the hair issues but also the fact he has such a good music taste. Yes he likes all the oldies, King Crimson, Dylan, Zeplin, Bryn Howarth. But also his recent purchases have been albums like, Kings of Leon, The Prodigy and Rage Against The Machine. I'm not saying he is as in touch as Mr Peel was. Not all modern day music floated my dad's boat. Infact one of my favorite music themed quotes from my dad is "I just can't get on with that Rufus Wainwright. He gives me the willies." I don't think you're his type dad.

My father was actually over the moon that I wanted to follow in his guitaring footsteps, and agreed to fund my future rock n roll career. Straight away I was given a guitar as an early birthday present. Now I was kinda thinking of a purple flying V shaped guitar, but what I got was more like the guitar that the bird Maria has on the film the sound of music. Not the best start. Soon after though my lessons were booked in the diary, and I was getting on the road to rock stardom. It wasn't going to be long before I was a time traveling guitar hero, blowing the nipples off 1950's high school kids. Saying I guess you aint ready for that yet.... But your kids are gonna love.


I made sure i was wearing the coolest clothing I could find. At the time a Hi-Tech multi colored shellsuit was the weapon of choice. Making sure I used gel and was chewing a fat piece of gum we headed off in my tour bus otherwise known as dads Volvo.

"Here we are son" The tour manager pronounced. "cheers dad... I mean tour manager man" I enter the arena, a 1970's semi detached house. Of course we head straight for the garage. I'm mean we are going to be making some killer noises, best keep it away from the ladies. The garage door swings open "hello Cleveland!!" Looking around the garage it started to sink in how cool this was, and possibly the most manly I had ever felt to date, I'm mean how much more manly can you get than playing loud acoustic guitar to differing Black n Decker power tools.

All was going well at this point. " Take a seat Martin", the teacher instructed. " Its ok I'm happy to stand here with one foot up on this amp/lawn mower, its my preffered rock stance." The teacher insisted i sit down, so I take a seat. It was a good job he did, I probably would have passed out from what was about to happen. Sat there eagerly waiting to be told that the first lesson when learning to play guitar is how to hold off crowds of crazed babes. This was not quite to be the case.

The teacher and I are both sat opposite one another, he hands me a small metal deck chair device. " Whats this?" I chuckle as if to say you ain't gonna get me that easily. "Its for putting your foot on Martin" " For what?!!?" "for resting your leg open so you can hold your guitar like this" His guitar is now nearly up right and resting on his genitals. "What!!??"

My dad had in fact signed me up for classical/Spanish guitar lessons. Nooooo Seriously uncool. Seriously no chicks will dig this. Now i'm imagining me back in time, in the 1950's. I now get handed an acoustic guitar. Oo wait a minute where's my little foot stool. Have you got a seat. Ooo lets play a little flamenco classical number. The dance floor is silent. No-one says a word. People's jaws have taken the elevator to the basement. I get up all smug and say "I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet.... But your PARENTS are gonna love it."

Monday, 9 February 2009

Man creche and fat lobes

As the years go by you start to notice funny little changes to your body. Moobs, gut, hair, lack of hair, Slight smell of death?

One of the many things I have noticed recently is that my ear lobes are growing fatter. Is this possible? I have never heard this being mentioned as a "problem area" on how to look good naked. Personally I find this rather shameful and am therefore quite shy about my fat lobes.

But this insecurity means nothing to my ever caring better half. She actually thinks they are very cute, and the worst thing about that is she loves to honk them!!!

Now I can usually see a lobe honking coming a mile off. We will be chilling out on the couch, all of a sudden her eyes gaze at my face, then slowly seem to get slightly distracted. I start to think that my wife has gone bog eyed.

No no no

She has in her sights frimly fixed on the lobes. A smile rises on her face, followed very quickly by her hand moving towards my ear, and ............HONK!! Damn it!!

I ask her constantly to stop but she carries on regardless. Worst of all she sometimes actually invites other girls to have a feel for themselves!!!!! Its even more humiliating than having my mum spit on a tissue to wipe my face when i was a child. OR even more humiliating than having to try trousers on in the shop because mum couldn't be bothered to queue for the changing rooms. The shame.

Now I thought I was all alone in this lobe patronising state. All alone that was until last week.

It was a typical Saturday shopping trip, I was sat in the Topshop man creche. Man creche I hear you question?? You know, its where they have the chairs outside the girls changing rooms, especially for the poor blokes who dutifully wait whilst there beautiful maiden takes 50 dresses into the room even though 5 is the limit.

Now you ladies wouldn't know this, but there are some clear rules of engagement to get blokes through the man creche time.

Rule number one, Look as busy or bored as possible. The main aim of this rule is to not let the other blokes think for one minute that you enjoy shopping. For them to think that you are some dutiful servant, who likes nothing more than to follow his other half around the shops like rain man, would be so shameful, you may as well start wearing a thong and become one of the cheeky girls. So to prevent any sign of looking happy a lot of tutting sighing and general pretending to text a mate goes on in MAN CRECHE.


I'm sat down with about 5 other blokes. Tutting sighing and texting away. All of a sudden a door swings open. Is it me!! IS IT ME!!! has my time finally come to leave man creche....Nooo!!! My fair maiden is only on dress 26.

A pretty young lady smiles and walks over to one of the lead tutters in man creche. He was looking so annoyed with waiting I thought he was going to bludgeon the over fashioned changing room assistant. The pretty young lady goes to her dutiful rainman, She smiles as if to say Good boy for waiting. She starts to glance away from his face. Her arm starts to rise up and..... yes you guessed it, she starts honking his earlobe, telling him how soft they are. HAHAHA its not just me!!!!


Sunday, 8 February 2009

New Coldplay video

I was lucky enough to get asked to puppeteer on Dougal Wilson's latest video for Coldplay. I love puppeteering. Will & Jonny at darkvast are some of the funniest lads I've met in weeks. Check their stuff at

Here's me on set. Not the best pic. I look like Stanley Kubrick in winter warmers.


The video is here.

Silly little pics

Very much like the SILLY LITTLE VIDEO thing. Pictures that make me chuckle.

Pic 1.
Simons head (Bottom right) looks like it is sliding down his arm.


Pic 2.
Me searching for my car keys inside Gemma's chest. And I dont even drive. You do the maths!!


A look around london

Taken from our Playstation Movement tour. Spencer showing me london town.

As for Kate. Well she is also loving London too. Mainly for the abundance of nice new handbags.


I'm in another ad!

Bloomin cheeky bar stewards. Looks like the people at playstation forgot to tell me they were stealing my beautifulness for there latest ad. Can you spot my silly head. 35 seconds in.

Silly little vid

Some people do sports, some people like to knit, some people paint, some people go out for a long drive, really fast up a mountain whilst listening to Chris Rea. Shouting at the moon. I do non of the above.

Whenever I'm bored or feeling a little down I like to do what I call "SILLY LITTLE VIDEOS".

There's usually no sense to these videos, They really are just something to keep my mind busy. Its kinda like in the series heroes when the painters eyes fog over and he has no control over what he's doing. Then at the end he wakes up and stares at what he has done, with a look of, What the bloody hell is that?

This was a product of going out on a nice sunday walk. Look out for future SILLY LITTLE VIDEOS posts.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Ask me some questions and i'll tell you some lies.

Here's one of those annoying but ever so slightly interesting questionnaire things. I thought I'd have a go. You simply have to list 25 facts or nots so fact things about yourself. Mine are mainly true.

1. I'm crying on the inside

2. When I was 14 I went swimming with my youth club, I was the only lad to still be wearing tiny swimming trunks. No one had told me that we had got to the shorts wearing age. I spent the entire time hiding in the water.

Finally I got out, went to my locker thinking the ordeal was over. Only to find that some chav had stolen my bag with all my clothes in it. This meant I had to stand under the hot shower to keep warm, whilst all my friends were now fully clothed and mocking my skimpy trunks

A couple of days later it was a story in my local paper. Thanks mum.

3. I really dislike theatrical people. they make me suck a nut.

4. Xfactor does make my hairs stand on end. Kate finds it hilarious.

5. I was a reviewer on channel fives kids show the mag. I had spikey hair and looked insane!

6. I cant drive and have no real desire to. Kate and her family think this is an area of ribbing. I tried a few lessons but got bored and started aiming the car into puddles. My lessons ended when the driving instructor made me turn my mix cd that I had done for the lesson off. No word of a lie. I got him to let me put some of my own tunes on.

7. I think cheese is genius!

8. I used to ask to go to the toilet in PE in jnr school to go and hide my class mates shoes. Not as a big joke but so that I could be the person who finds them later. I wanted to be known as a really good finder. Ooo yeah.

9. I fell 12ft out of a bar in thailand onto a log. Photobucket

10. I hate cards. They are a total waste of time and money. Although I do carry one card with me whenever I'm away on a job. its from my lovely wife and has lots of encouraging things in it.

11. I have never been in a fight. Though I do think I have a mean right punch.

12. When I was a kid I wanted to have the super power to freeze time. Mainly so that I could look at girls boobies. I guess I should have studied to be a doctor instead. Though a super power is probably more likely to happen for me.

13. I don't understand people who dont like music. People who say. I dont really have a taste in music. I guess I like a bit of pop. AHHHhhhhhhh these people to me are zombies.

14. I'm going bald and I fricking loath it. I think I would even prefer to be ginger.

15. I wish I moved to London sooner. though I do miss my band and friends up there. Oo and family. Nottingham is shite though.

16. I hate when people use the following words. Genius, Random, Like, No way, totally, check you out, Or when everything is sooo amazing. Get a grip.

17. I hate it when people go up at the end of there sentences so everything sounds like a question. EG: I saw timmy the other day and he was like hello? WHAT!!!!!!

18. I once tried to jump off our patio on my bmx stunt bike. But I failed and crashed. The only place of injury was a friction burn on my ball sack. It hurt for days. I guess its quite salty down there.

19. I wasnt bothered when our cat died. Even though I pretended to be and even made a lolly pop stick cross.

20. I once bit on a crunch corner and split my tooth in two.

21. I once had a dream that I donated the heel of my foot to a kid with a clef pallet. The surgeons removed my heel scooped out the extra bone bits and stuck it in the kids mouth.

22. I have just started a blog space And have realised how self obsessed I am. Who cares what i'm doing or thinking. I'm even spending 30 mins on this!!! Help!

23. My favourite thing in a home is lamps. I love a good bit of lighting.

24. I wish I was funnier.

25. I really do love appreciate my wife, friends and family. And consider myself very lucky to have so much ... one last fact that is officially the gayest sentence I have ever written. FACT!


Friday, 6 February 2009

South africa

I just had an amazing week in Cape town. Some of my pics.




We were shooting a new advert for McCain oven chips. I did a bit of acting but I also gained a new skill. Sound!!!



Also managed a bit of down time.



A bit of booze goes a long way.




Track of the entire trip has to be MIA Paper planes. It was the only track on Now 85 south africa that was anywhere near good.

My first advert

It was bound to happen at some point but who would have thought it would involve sitting on WILL YOUNGS knee. Now if thats not funny enough, would you look at wills face on the still of the video below. I think I may have tickled his fancy.

A funny Will Young moment.

When I finally arrived on set to do my bit Mr Will Young Spotted me and immediately stopped the filming. "Sorry mr director" Said the xfactor winner. At this point the entire crew and cast look up.

"Eerrmm I did say that I didnt want anyone better looking than me on set"

Everyone paused.. They look at me then look at Will. Mass confusion is written on everyones face. All of a sudden Mr Young starts to laugh. "i'm joking"

Cheers nice one William.

I think most folk could have realised you are better looking without you stopping the proceedings and spelling it out.

I guess I oooze sex appeal and thats what got him worried.

Its not a wonder that the xfactor Gareth bloke was always so nervous and had a stutter. The poor lad probably spent half his time back stage in a Will Young headlock.

Out takes here.

My wedding

Recently me and my lovely lady celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary. Ahhh

My groom speech, out of all of my stupid video's still has the most hits on youtube.

I thought I would throw this on here too. Our obsession with all things money for nothing went a little too far when we kitted out our wedding reception with UV lights white head bands and glow sticks, OOber movers!

We move to London

Since beginning my new journey I have been commuting from Nottingham to London, and having to kip at my poor sister's house. Staying in their spare room. Leaving my poor lady wife on her own up in not so sunny Nottingham.


Finally we decided to move!

Time to down size. Time to sell some things, including my now infamous running machine.

An advert to promote this.

I think i actually lost some friends over this. I was trying to flog it for about 3 months.

But in the end a taxi driver who rang me up and told me in the first sentence that he was really fat finally took it off our hands.

Hooray for fat taxi drivers.

Method acting action aid

Many method actors like myself will tell of certain roles which they have undertaken that have left them feeling emotionally and physically drained.

But if done correctly these are the roles that can lead to multi award-winning performances. For example Brando in apocalypse now, Deniro in taxi driver, Pacino's in Scarface.


Martin Collins Action aid.

Budding film makers out there?!?! You must watch.

Marts and Spencer present 10 film tricks for Intel's film festival.

I used to think being a director was piss easy. Press record press un-record. But we learnt a few more tricks of the trade and here we explaining in our own special needs way some of the tricks of the trade. There are more tricks here.

This isnt just any old comedy.

This is Marts and Spencer comedy.

I should mention at this point that myself and Spencer Jones do a podcast!

The website is.

Lets start at the very beginning.

Its a very good place to start.

So this is my first post. I'm kinda thinking that I'm going to keep this as a scrap book for all my memories. And if others like it and enjoy my thoughts, then so be it.

Its been just under a year since I packed up my utterly tedious job in sales to pursue my love for comedy. And what a brilliant year it has been too.

It all began when my good friend Spencer Jones,, finally convinced me to get my ass to an audition. Now many people had been trying to get me to do this but at the time my other true love for music was keeping me in Nottingham. (see


To cut a long story short I pulled a sicky at work, travelled down to London absolutely BRICKING it. Rocked into the audition only to find I was at the wrong building! They had given me a map with a huge red arrow on it!! But that wasn't actually the place I was meant to be going (SILLY ME!!)

After a few phone calls I finally got there, out of breath and a tad sweaty. I meet the director (Jonathan Rothery) We go downstairs to the audition room and it begins. Now I have no idea what to do in an audition at this point and being told to get rid of my chewing gum isnt the best start.

The rest is a bit of a blur. But whatever happened it worked. Myself and Spencer got the part and we were off for a three week tour across Europe. Our job was to ride around in an old-school orange VW camper van, whilst being filmed 24/7 on a mission to discover Europe's greatest new bands for Playstation's own tv show, Movement.

Not bad for a first audition. 100% audition success rate so far!

Heres a clip.

Hot to the power of five. Our top 20 Cyprus hit.

I think its still downloadable from the playstation website.