Tuesday, 22 December 2009

My new advert THE LOVEBUG

The latest advert I did with Jon Riche.

I did my first Voice over too.

Hope you enjoy.


Join the facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Lovebug/227636780468?ref=mf

Webiste: https://www.love2recycle.com/

Monday, 19 October 2009

Seriously enviromental

Hello Dudes.I would really appreciate it if you would vote for my vid, and the others if you like.

15 different comedians got asked to do a little silly vd to show how you can save £1431 a year by cutting back on flushing the toilet and stuff. So get with it and be more enviroMENTAL

Hope you enjoy. My one is called seriously spooky

Link to vote: http://www.youtube.com/whatsfunnyabout1431#p/u/5/2BJ6HF-FosQ



xxx

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Crystal maze spoof

A little spoof I did with the help of Mr Bullivant

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Edinburgh Festival BBC PRESENTS GIG.

I had my first experience of the Edinburgh Festival. And what a great place it is. The city is beautiful, the comedy was great and we also got to perform at the BBC presents gig with Reg D Hunter. And I must say what a cool dude he is. Even if he did say I look like Chez Guevara.

We had mainly spent the entire day bricking ourselves. And this didn't help.

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But thankfully the gig went amazingly well. Some really big booming laughs. There is no better feeling than this.

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Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Grease Internet Loving - Summer Loving Spoof



Here's the link if you wish to forward it to any mates. Please do!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GgLZ1EM6lQ

Thursday, 6 August 2009

Sound session wrestle.

I have recently been doing a few jobs with the mighty Ben Wheatley (Director of the BBC show Ideal with that Jonny Vegas bloke)

One of these jobs was to do a sound session.

Sound sessions are slightly strange at the best of times. You enter the room as the actor. The man who is going to get the job done, bring life to the script. The scripts differ from straight acting, comedy, silly voices and even crazy random noises.

The studio has a large mixing desk with big screens all over the place, a humungous leather sofa with free chocs and fruit at arms length. NICE! Especially cos I well dig the taste of snickers and plums.

As you enter the room you are introduced to your employers; the clients, Director, Producer, Agencies and sound technician.

"Hello Martin nice to meet you"

"OOO YOU TOO" ( This is usually said in the same voice as meeting in laws. )

After all the formal meeting and greeting you are then shown into the sound booth. I can't help but think of some of the people who would have previously spoken into the mic I was about to use. Such greats as Stephen Fry & Paul Merton, for the direct line ad. Wow. It's now my time to shine.

"Ok Martin. If you would like to do a read of the script."

"Of course no problem"

Ahem.

Wahhaha haha ooo eeekk a meow, Oi oi.

Thanks Martin that was great.

All in a days work.

Whilst doing the sound session with Mr Wheatley I ended up in the booth having a wrestle with the agency producers. All this to get the sounds needed. Or so they told me.

I must admit I was worried about hurting the guy. His watch looked like it cost more than my soul.

So I let him win.

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Thursday, 30 July 2009

Marriage marigolds

I awoke this morning to be faced by the following.

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A pair of Marigolds swearing at me. Maybe the mrs is trying to tell me something.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Sunny D

In my new found line of work I really do have some very random days. Take for instance my latest job.

This involved me dressing up in a 7 ft multi coloured furry suit for the latest Sunny D commercial that our Broken Biscuits Director Jon Riche directed.

I am the one running into the fridge doing the moves and sweeping at the end. All that with no acting training!

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Ahh I saw the confused.com advert

So thought I would slap this up for anyone who didnt see my piss take from before.

My least favorite person is the emo hair straightening tit. The one that does that little laugh.

"Ooo its on." Of course its on you turned it on nipple face.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Friday, 10 July 2009

Top fan on BBC youtube site.

Would be cool if people would send this link about. Our Top Fan sketch on BBC youtube site.

Thanks

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Paris!

I was talking to a friend about paris and said I would put this old video of mine up.



I think its a great city.

Friday, 29 May 2009

FACEBOOK!

Everyday it kills me a little more.

Everyday it makes my blood boil.

Everyday I loose more hair.

What is all this about???

PEOPLE WHO USE THERE FACEBOOK STATUS TO SHOW HOW DOWN IN THE DUMPS THEY ARE FEELING.

BOO FRICKING HOO

I know I use and abuse facebook for personal gain, but what do people really think they will achieve by putting these kind of status updates on facebook.

STATUS

Just feeling really down today.

I split up with dave. All men are shits

My cats got hit by a lorry and are still dying. All 9 of them! ( Cats only have nine lives so surely one is dead )

I hate mondays.

Ahhhhh. I hate it.

People just love to have a really big moan. Who are these idiots.

Hmm they seem to be my friends.

Bollocks,

How will I get this to stop? Hmm. I know!

By doing my second least favorite thing and setting up a totally useless random facebook page that people can join and unite against the emotional sappers.

JOIN!!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=107158240409

Hmm I may need to then do a facebook page against people who start and join pointless facbook groups.

P.s please please please stop using the word LOL.

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Wednesday, 27 May 2009

BBC NEWS PRESENTER

Now I thought I had done blogging for the day. But when I heard this I nearly spat my dinner on kate!

There is a BBC news reader callled.....

RIZLA TEETH!!!

Here is my proof. Mental!!!

Monday, 25 May 2009

Banksy

That bloomin banksy's at it again.

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Thursday, 21 May 2009

Media can be tricky

Now I don't consider myself to be an actor, more of a professional dick. But compared to these guys I'm Marlon Brando.



Now I don't consider myself to be technically skilled, But compared to this dude I'm Bill Gates.



I love the way he called his company EYETECH. As in hightech get it. He could have at least got rid of the random leg moment mid way through.

Monday, 18 May 2009

MY FIRST DAY AS A RUNNER

Starting out in the world of media is a tricky business. A shoot can be a very scary place especially for the runner, who is literally the dogsbody on set. Don't touch this, do touch that, where's my tea, WHERES MY EARL GREY?

Here is my first day on the job. Shot a year back.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!

Introducing my new Superhero character, DICKMAN.

FACTS
- Spins a special web.
- HARD ON crime.
- Doesn't wear pants
- Side kick - Ball boy

WEAKNESSES
- Women with moustaches
- Icy water.
- Zips
- Vanessa Feltz

ARCH ENEMIES
- Lesbians ( though he still has some time for them )
- Dr Smeg
- Time of the month
- Other super hero dicks

FAVOURITE PASS TIMES
- Hanging about with his side kick BALL BOY.
- Romantic films. He has been known to shed a tear or two.
- Caving / mountaineering
- Getting pissed

Blimey, What an anti climax this would be.

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Thursday, 30 April 2009

Wedding day

Now most folks lose weight, whiten teeth, have a clean shave or get their tits done.

My main concern for our wedding day was to not allow the photos to be all lovey dovey ones.

Achieved!

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Monday, 27 April 2009

Me on the marathon coverage.

I WAS ON THE MARATHON COVERAGE!

Ok so it may have only been 2 seconds of screen time. But this all helps my acting showreel.

I am on the far left hand side. Don't get distracted by the runners. They just seem to get in the way of my telly moment. I think I used my telly time wisely. A quick thumbs up then a weird stare.

Text book.

Check it out here!

Sunday, 26 April 2009

The London Marathon

Today the lady and I went to see the all inspiring London Marathon. And ya know what? It was half interesting for about ten minutes.

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I know I know this is harsh!

I know I know this is a great example of human achievement.

I know I know lots of people are running. I run! I just choose not to do it for very long.

All these kind of public events including marathons, fairgrounds, children in need and carboot sales seem to bring out the countrys biggest freaks. Now I'm not talking about the runners here. I'm talking about the weird people that stand on the side of the race clapping and shouting out random peoples names, or even attempting to give them a 'HIGH FIVE'.

Yeah a high five will make these last ten miles seem a hell of a lot easier.

Its actually not the clapping and shouts of encouragement that annoy me. I mean when my lady did the Nottingham half marathon I must admit I to shouted some support. "Hahaha go on Kate. Your head's red!"

There are just certain people who seem to compete with everyone else to be the loudest and most "MARATHON".

"Ooo look at me I know where Gordon Ramsay is."

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THE WORST case with all this is the mighty morphing marathon family; a whole tribe of idiots addicted to out twatting each other.

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"Look dad he's flagging let's shout his name 50 times and point out to the crowd that he's doing shite."

ANYHOW

Rants done. There are some cool spotting games to play whilst watching the marathon. Here were some of my favourite spots.

- Man with hairiest back.

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- Woman with biggest boobs with no sports bra. (Look out for the black eyes).

- Men with bleeding nipples. I call it the count Dracula's mum effect.

- Most unhealthy man amongst the actually decent runners. Otherwise known as least likely to finish.

- The wobbler. Ooops someone didn't take on enough fluid. Crash!

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- Slight cramp boy. This can easily be confused with man who needs to wee.

- Biggest women pants. Running pants with half an arse out.

Here are some of my shots from the day:

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Thursday, 23 April 2009

An advert for my blog

Review from the BBC night

Phew!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/comedy/2009/04/photos-from-comedy-presents.shtml

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If you wanna know more join the facebook page!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Broken-Biscuits/55112764521?ref=ts

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Wednesday, 22 April 2009

THE BIGGEST COMEDY GIG YET!

So last night we performed at the BBC new comedy talent night. Now this was only our fifth gig. Playing along side the dude from Garth Mareghi, Perrier award winner Phil Nichol and some other big names. We had also decided to try and do a new sketch on the night too.

VERY SCARY!!

I must admit we were all slightly bricking it.

It didn't help when I left the venue for some fresh air and saw that line for the gig.

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Thankfully the gig went really well.

Thanks to all who came down to support us.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!

This morning we were merrily on our way to do the weekly big shop. The sun was shining, the birds were tweetering (hmm) when all of a sudden something terrifying halted our food journey. The clouds started to gather and the tweetering birds died from fear. Our lives were on a knife's edge.

We had taken this route many times before but had never been refused right of passage. Today was different, a monsterous bully was blocking the street. With an evil look in his eye and several weapons on each arm......

We were fearing for our lives!

How could we ever get around this giant?


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The beast sat still for what seemed like days. Until finally we used our secret weapon; we honked the car horn.

Slowly and nonchalantly the beast strolled out from the road.

Either he was crazy or visually impaired.

I would go with the latter option, probably a problem with his CATaracts.

Top tip.

Very nice place to drink in the centre of London. Trafalgar Hotel. Just take the elevator to the roof. An amazing city view.

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Saturday, 11 April 2009

Ahem

The older I get the more I realise that my friends mainly consist of fellow idiots.

A perfect example.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

ADVICE WHEN VIDEO BLOGGING

No longer make basic Video blog errors with my top 4 tips.

Friday, 3 April 2009

Getting words wrong.

From time to time everyone gets their words mixed up a bit.

I possibly do more than most. Here are some of my classics.

"Ooo that stereo is TOP OF THE ART."
Meant to say: Top of the range / state of the art.

He doesn't know me from LARRY!!
REAL SAYING: I'm happy as Larry / He don't know me from Adam.

I also create and make up brand new words like....
Estimentation.
Complimentative.

A friend of mine though is the King of the slip ups.

Ladies and gentlemen Introducing Mr Steve Clarke.

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What Steve said: "Don't Spoil My Thunder!"
What Steve Meant: Don't STEAL my thunder!

What Steve said: "Patience Comes To Those Who Wait"
What Steve Meant: Great things come to those who wait?

What Steve said: "...Sam and Dave...."
What Steve Meant: While talking about who performed a particular song....that would be CHAS and Dave!

What Steve said: "You'll Be Cutting It Thin!"
What Steve Meant: Cutting it FINE!
(Steve talking about Dicko travelling from Walsall to Nottingham in in 45 mins...shame Dicko NEVER made it!)

What Steve said: "He's A Bit Of A Wet Fish!"
What Steve Meant: He's a bit of a wet blanket/He's a bit wet behind the ears...??

What Steve said: "Woah! That leaves me with the wrong end of the straw!"
What Steve Meant: Woah! That leaves me with the wrong end of the STICK!


It's good to know that there are bigger idiots out there.

All this and more at www.steveisms.co.uk

Thursday, 2 April 2009

A great event.

Is this one of the greatest events to ever happen?

James brown on stage doing his thang. He spots Michael Jackson in the audience. They pretend the whole thing ain't rehearsed, Then all of a sudden, who would have thought it.....

PRINCE IS THERE TOO!!!

Blimey!

Monday, 30 March 2009

Holidaying with the wife.

Having asked a few friends about their holidays alone with the wife I have reached these conclusions.

Women seem very happy for it to be just the two of you going away, lying on a beach for the entire time trying to get some colour into your blue blotchy skin, I sometimes wonder if women actually enjoy the holiday itself. All that sunbathing, turning over back and forth and putting on endless amounts of sun cream is not my idea of a holiday. To me it sounds more like a hospital visit to remove haemorroids. ON YOUR FRONT MR COLLINS!

It seems to me that a holiday for the female species is much like an MOT for a car. It disappears for a few days and then suddenly returns, looking better than ever but making you skint in the process! Then after a few weeks it starts to fade and return to the vehicle you were used to driving before. Ahem.

Men on the other hand seem to need a lot more entertainment. And a holiday with just their loved one can be a little boring after a day or two. This is why games like beach tennis (big bats and spongey ball), snorkelling and crazy golf were invented.

The only problem with going on holiday just as a couple means you don't have an equally skilled activities buddy. Waiting whilst Kate is on her 50th shot is about as dull as sunbathing on the beach!

A video of Kate trying her best to keep me amused. (Apologies that the vid is side on).

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Doing a B&Q ad, Bestman speech

Apologies for the lack of actual thoughts and things funny. I am doing a B&Q advert this week. Not acting mind. Just on set pressing record. Basically what a director does but I actually use my finger.

I'll fob you off with a video from a few years back. Me doing my best man speech for laurence. I've been best man 3 times now. I wonder what the record for one person is?

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

VIDEO! I am the music man I come from far away.

To say I was in a band for 5 yrs i can barely play an instrument. Well I'm ok on the drums but it just doesn't seem to count.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Argue with an idiot? YOU WILL LOSE!

Arguing with an idiot is possibly the most pointless thing you can do. They do not hear your point. They do not hear your anger and frustration. They do not notice you're even there. Some of the biggest idiots in the world can be found in the following places:

Mobile phone shops, especially 3 network and phones 4 u.
Virgin's call centre
Boots
On trains
Community police officer things
Chemists (the ones who think they are doctors)
Bouncers

Idiots really are everywhere, and the worst and most powerful idiots are those bloody jobsworth idiots. You know the kind who have only got to their rank of authority due to the boss needing every last inch of butt being licked so clean that you could eat your dinner off it.

My most recent argument with an idiot came a few weeks ago. I have recently been going out of my mind with my mobile phone. It turns itself off, the screen goes dead, the reception is worse than tin cans and string. It is basically a piece of shit. Now I don't really care anymore if my phone can take a picture, check my heart rate or fly. All I want it to really be able to do is.... BE A PHONE!!!!

I had got so fed up with phoning 3 to complain, then getting cut off by the fault I was complaining about. I decided I was going to take my phone to the shop and get this sorted once and for all.

Phone in hand I entered the shop. It felt and looked like being inside an ice cube. The phones are strung up in their millions across each wall. Each on a tiny leash. Prisoners to the shop.

A tall thin weirdly-toothed young man catches my eye and wonders over. Struggling to walk right as he's obviously borrowed his dads suit. But he has made it his own by adding a comedy tie.

Ladies and gentleman this is our idiot.

I take a deep breath.

"Hello sir how can we help you today?"

"Err"

"Can we interest you in a new phone?" "Are you currently on 3?" "How many texts do you make a day" "Do you like cheese?" "Do you need to keep your old telephone number" "Do you..?"

I slap him in the face to stop the sales rant.

" I am actually already a 3 customer and have come here to complain about how crap my phone is "

All the energy and excitement of a possible new sale drain from the glorified sales chimps face. The only sniff of a bonus he will get from me is to have something to talk to Cindy about when they have there next flurtasious fag break.

" What seems to be the problem then sir "

" well 'sales chimp' "

I take an even deeper breath. This is it. This is my time. MY TIME TO RANT AND TELL HIM HOW SHITE HIS PHONE IS. TELL HIM HOW ANGRY IT MAKES ME. TELL HIM I AM NOT A HAPPY BUNNY!!! COME ON LETS GO!!

The following is in super high speed talk.

" My phone turns itself off, It seems to have a mind of its own. It will literally cut off at what always seems to be the most vital point of the call. The screen goes blank when i am texting and sometimes has actually sent blank texts to people, making me look like I have about the same grasp of phone technology as my mum. Not all of the keys work so it is quicker for me to use a Z as an S, thus making me look as clazzy az a chav. I have to be on guard 24/7 as it randomly selects what ring tone I have. Several times I haven't realised it was 'me ringing' because I would never choose the' crazy frog' ringtone. The battery dies so quickly I take a generator with me when I leave the house. All in all it is the worst thing I own and I would like a refund or new phone now please."

By this point I am out of breath. The sales chimp, still slightly smiling wonders if I have finished. He takes a moment to wipe the spit from my rant off his face. And says

" We haven't had any complaints before. There's nothing wrong with those phone. " He looks at me as if I have been abusing my phone like someone who miss treats puppies. This goes around in a circle for the next 30 mins.

AHHHHHHHHH. I start to cry.

I am now 4 months away from my contract ending. I feel like one of the phone's in their shop trapped and tied on a leash a prisoner to 3 network!!!
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In the same way you can't have an argument with a idiot. It is also impossible to interview someone who is off there head. This is one of the funniest things I have seen on youtube. Mr James Brown off his mind on the news.

Friday, 13 March 2009

Stupid moped - LEWIS

Ladies and Gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure in introducing one of the funniest people I know,

Lewis Bebbington!

Now it may or may not always be that he is trying to be funny, but pound for pound more funny things have happened to this young lad than anyone I know.

One of my favorites involve's the Lewis Mobile. I'm not talking about the 50 mobile phones he's either dropped down the toilet or lost when out. I'm talking about his trusty Scooter/moped.

Lewis used to be one of my housemates. Every evening around the same time you could hear Lewis on his way home, his moped buzzing up the road sounding like a hand blender.

One evening Lewis was feeling a little peckish. So he decided to go and get himself a nice pizza. Now everyone knows that Asda's own, "make it in front of you" pizza's are the best, and Lewis being the food obsessed fella he is, headed straight for the butt slapping price saving Mecca, ASDA.

On arrival Lewis did his usual moped routine. Keys out, Helmet off, gloves off, chain up bike. Then headed straight for the pizza counter. He was in and out in just under 5 minutes. Not the fastest time ever, but the new guy was having trouble separating the mozzarella slices. Give him time he'll learn.

Happy at the thought of settling down to watch another Will Smith movie Lewis headed over towards his chained up bike. As he got nearer he noticed something terrifying!

Something more challenging than any gladiator assault course including the 'hand bike!' Something more chilling than a history teachers breath.

Oh yeas a small gathering of 15 year old chavy kids.

"Nice shopping mate"

Staying focused Lewis didn't reply

"I said nice shopping mate"

Lewis opened his seat and put his freshly made Pizza inside. "You'll be safe inside there mr pizza"

" Can ya not ear me mate? I said nice shopping?"

The humiliation was starting to become unbearable. But still Lewis didn't reply to the sharpened arrows of shopping insults. Instead he put on his gloves.

" Haha, I bet its his mom's shopping. haha! I bet ya mums ya dad" ( Classic diss )

Still nothing. Helmet on.

"What ya been buying? Tampons?"

He straddled the Lewis mobile (Moped)

"Can't ya hear me mate? Oi are you gay or somefink?" ( I have honestly heard this insult. The thought that being a homosexual means you are also deaf is quite a sweeping statement. Even for a chavster. )

Finally Lewis is ready, he turns the key. The engine roars to life! Vrrrroooommmm.

This is it. This is his moment, the moment to show these Chavs he isn't scared of a group of tracksuited 15 year olds, He turns to them, flips up his visor and shouts.

"Kiss my balls you chavy bastards."

He revs the motor once more preparing to speed away, laughing in the face of pre pubescent danger.

Vroooommmmmmmmm hdlkmnfdohjd CLINK CLANK CLUNK!!!!!!

He had forgotten his bike is still chained up!!!

Now on his back wheel ridding his highly revved bike like a rodeo bull. Whilst the chavs are all crying with laughter as Lewis destroys his back wheel.

And here is a video of the man himself. Fast asleep in all his clothes, IN MY BED!! WATCHING MY TV!!! STINKING!!!

Monday, 9 March 2009

- !!! VIDEO BLOG !!! - Give a little whistle

A VIDEO BLOG. ANOTHER TALE ABOUT MY WIFE KATE.

Good dog bad dog radio.

A friend forwarded this to me today. He used to do a little radio show in Nottingham and asked me to phone in with my dog knowledge. This is probably when I was 21. Always been a plonker.



I finally got down to doing a broken biscuits facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Broken-Biscuits /55112764521?ref=mf

JOIN! We shall add our video's and hopefully some of the BBC3 pilot stuff as soon as we are allowed to

Sunday, 8 March 2009

cat chat

One of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life is my cat talk.
What!??? I hear you cry.
Its true!!

We have always been a family of cat lovers. There's nothing better than paying for all their food, cleaning up their mounds of shite and having their hairs on all your clothes, But it really is all worth it when they come to sit on your knee during your favourite tv show and stick their chocolate tea towel holder in your face. Cheers, nice.

One of my fondest memories of my cat is the time she said Bob Geldoff. It was a usual sunday afternoon. Mum was making the Sunday dinner, Dad was already asleep in his chair. Stephen was probably in his room thinking. Myself and my sisters were in the living room. Playing our usual game of throwing the cats near Nanny. Now we mainly did this for one reason and one reason only. That was to hear our lovely wonderful Nan say. Oooo nice pussy. Childish I know. But I think we had entertainment from this for at least three years (God bless her soul).

All of a sudden the cat started to convulse. blurrr blaaahh bllaay. Now when cats are being sick they make a weird growl meow sound that can sound quite human. The more the cat pushed to get the furry sick up the more it sounded human

bluurr bimng caarrrrbo booohbbj baob BOB GELDOFF!!!

"OUR CAT JUST SAID BOB GELDOFF!!!!

See this for details.

Friday, 6 March 2009

ME INTERVIEWED ON BBC RADIO

Two days ago I got a call from the producer of the BBC Radio Nottingham breakfast show. He had heard a few things about what I had been up to and wanted me to talk about what its like to start doing comedy. I think by the sound of it the presenter fancied himself as a bit of a comedian too. It was a really good laugh and here are the best bits.



Along with a feature on me!! Funny!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nottingham/content/articles/2009/03/05/martin_collins_comedian_feature.shtml

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

BROKEN BISCUITS

So I guess as part of my story I need to put up a little about Broken Biscuits. This is our gang. We are a mixture of comedians, actors, editor, director, sound, music, and fx. These are the guys who I filmed the BBC3 pilot with. We also have started doing live stuff.

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Eye could be Mental

I am slowly turning into a james bond bad guy!

I have had a slight twitch in my eye for about two weeks now, and It is driving me potty!! To give you some idea as to how it feels. Its kinda makes me imagine its what a baby kicking inside a woman's womb would feel like, but worse of course, Hmmm I hope I'm not birthing a new eye. That would be annoying. I mean what if it turns out its not mine and my eye has been cheating on me. I better keep an eye out for that.

My eye is making me look like a psychotic serial killer! "I don't want to harm you but I'd just love to see what it's like to wear your face." You know the sort.

It also reminds me of the baddy in the pink panther films Dreyfus.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Its a litter bit funny

This is the the most impressive littering I have ever seen.

An empty coke can attached to a railing. As if to say. "If its done correctly, it isn't littering."

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I hate littering. Its so chavy and shows immediately that you are a knob.

BUT....

In cases where I have had no choice but to litter the thought of putting the litter on something seems a lot nicer than leaving it on the ground. Other nice ways to litter include. Beside a tree/post, by someone else's litter, digging a hole, or if you really have to put it on the floor. Bend your knees and place it on the floor.

Holidays are COMING??!!

A friend of mine used to work as a travel agent. You know the type of thing these days. Rows of desks, a computer and a travel agent who has been to cyprus twice, therefore knows the world.

Meet Michael my travel agent mate.
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Now Michael is one of my most towny mate. ( No offense Michael ) He's a very witty nice bloke but back then you wouldn't trust him near your mrs or your sister. You know the sort.

Its just a normal day for Michael at the travel agent. He's shuffling the books, making a nice neat pile. He's making a coffee for the girl in the office that he fancies, He's considering his next tattoo. All of a sudden in walks a very distinguished gentleman. " Hello sir are you 'ere to look at holidays?" Michael asks with his chimney sweep english. " Of course I am!: replies the slight snooty gent.

They go over to a free desk and begin to debate destinations. " Have you tried Ayia Nappa?" And so on.

The gent doesn't seem to turned on by Michael's booze cruise suggestions so he suggests somewhere more exotic and calming ,like the Maldives. PING!!!! Michael knows the Maldives. His more classy sister has been there before. I'll show this pompous git my travel agent skills. HA HA!

Spinning his computer screen around Michael suggests they google search the maldives. And in particular the capital of the maldives, MALE ( note this usually has one of those hat things on it, to make it sound like marley ). The slightly snobbish gent stares at the screen whilst Michael types Male into google images. He hits return, and yes you guessed it, this comes up in the gents face.

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And probably not for the first time.

Sunday, 1 March 2009

Beadles a drought

When I was 15 I honestly thought I could possibly earn a living off faking videos for You've been Framed. So far not one as ever even been considered. This was my best hope. Not a penny.

Friday, 27 February 2009

Serious world of playstation

Now this is weird. Play this video, 1 min or so in, myself and Spencer are mentioned at this year's Playstation keynote speech. I was watching this thinking wow that really makes us sound proper pro. I then realised it was 10am and I was still sat in my pants, watching morning tv, with milk from my cereal on my belly. PROPER PRO.



How strange.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Stand up gig 2

My oh my. The venue was probably bigger than the first gig, but there was only a handful of people in there. No mates nobody there to help and support me apart from my lady.

It was a really tough experience but I think it still went well. At first the crowd had no idea what I was doing. Doing a comedy character act pretending to think that everyone there has actually come for my ghost walk did leave people looking very confused. But after a little while they seemed to settle in and start to enjoy it. Thank GOD!

I think I learnt a lot more from last night, possibly more than the previous successful gig. It would be so easy to just crumble and sod it off. But sod that! If you think something is funny and worthy of attention that really is all that matters. The promoter was a top bloke and does a much bigger night with pro acts. This seems to be his way of spotting and supporting up and coming comedy. So fair play to him, top man.

Its a tough game this comedy but when its good its really good, I do have a taste for it now big or small gig.

Come see us at 100 club! Broken Biscuits sketch show. 7th March.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Stand up a 2nd time

I have another stand up gig tonight. All quite scary. Its a really weird nerve wracking thing doing stand up. Tonight will probably be just me and a room full of strangers. Plus my ever supportive lady. Will a room full of total strangers get it???!! We shall see.

I mean it could be worse.

I love the fact on this one that at the end he even fails to get someone to cheers his glass. Oooo

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Like a puppet bin laden

Whilst puppeteering you can find yourself stuck in a very awkward position for quite some time, This can be caused by many things the camera being re positioned, lighting being repositioned or the director be made his special earl grey cup of tea which the tea bag has only been left in for 7 seconds. I KID YOU NOT! On set recently myself and three other puppeteers, Will, Jonny, Joel were stuck in a box waiting for a good half hour for these things to be done. All we had to amuse ourselves in this time was some gaffa tape. But see the endless amount of fun you can have with gaffa tape! We made ourselves look like historic bad guys!

JONNY SAB Adolf Hitler

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WILL HARPER AKA Benito Mussolin

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JOEL CADBURY AKA Genghis Khan

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MARTIN COLLINS AKA Bin Laden

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This is one of Simon's ads I puppeteered on recently. The infamous Bin!!

Monday, 23 February 2009

I will be a sight for four eyes

I have finally decided I need to become a Specky four eyed geek. My eyesight is so shite I can see clearer through the back of my head! My options are contacts or glasses. I know contacts would drive me potty as I have HUGE hands. Ask anyone. They're like shovels. I find it hard to do my shoelaces let alone stick a tiny see through disc in my face! So glasses it is.

Or there could be another option. Little mini look out Martins.

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Sunday, 22 February 2009

Saturday, 21 February 2009

MENTAL WIFE!

This morning so far has been shite.

I was happily partying away last night, you know the usual thing, getting girls in headlocks, shaking my money maker and generally being well cool, when all of a sudden Kate ( my lady wife ) comes over and announces. "we are going home!"

"Like hell we are!!!" I carry on boogying.

"MARTIN!!!! We have to go now. My parents are coming first thing tomorrow morning!"

Dum dum dummmmmm.

Now Kate's parents are lovely people and surprisingly cool for older folk. ( Please note I said older not old! )

It wasn't the thought of them that had left me dead on the dance floor with a look of dread in my face. No no no. It was the thought of another person coming to stay for there visit too. MENTAL Kate. ( Kate's alter ego )

Mental Kate, for those of you who don't know is what happens to my lovely wife when she gets a bee in her bonnet about something. She becomes possibly the most insanely annoying force on earth. Now I love my wife to bits but sometimes a little too much excitement or a special occasion such as parents seeing our new London flat, can create a monster in my lovely lady.

After having to leave the party early, we get in at 1am.

I am busy doing my usual brushing my teeth whilst doing my other bedtime rituals ( I believe this saves me time, ) getting into my PJ's, turning off the computer, I even clean them whilst I have my last wee. Now usually I am left to my own devices at this point. Not when MENTAL Kate's in town. She sees this as the perfect opportunity to give me the game plan and my jobs for tomorrow morning. Now thats some sexy pillow talk.

I want you out of bed by 6am. You are to do the following.

Dishes
Polish
Hoovering
Change the bed sheets
Mop the floors
Wear your nice new shirt!!

I know at this point that tomorrow morning is going to be HELL!!

-6am the following morning.-

I am rudely awoken by what can only be described as a mad woman on heat staring over my face. It looks like the woman I married, there just seems to be nothing behind the eyes. As if she has become possessed. "Right get up!"

We are off. Well Kate is. I manage to sneak another twenty minutes before she realises I didn't actually get up. HAHAHA!!

The rest of the morning is spent doing my jobs, then redoing them as they were not done properly the first time.

I am now sat on the sofa feeling slightly on edge. Mental Kate is distracted, making random banging noises in the bathroom. I have sneaked away for five minutes to write this. Hoping she doesn't find me sat here, skiving in my nice new shirt.

Wish me luck. They're here for a week.

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Friday, 20 February 2009

Stand up Nick

Oh man. That is all I could say after seeing a new mate of mine, Nick Helm, Do stand up. The boys got some serious skills. I blooming love the eastenders gag. This is one of the guys from the sketch troop we are doing called Broken Biscuits.



Matt steer is another broken biscuit! He is the one who looks like he could be either aquatic or a Simpson. Ie the one on the left.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

My first Stand up gig

Two weeks ago I got a text off Spencer saying "I have booked your first live stand up show". Now this has been something I've wanted to do for ages, but have always chickened out. At the time I thought NO!!!!!!!!!!

But anyhow I gave it a go, and loved it. Ok so the act needs a lot of work etc. And I know it ain't the most original piece of comedy work ever but it kinda has its moments.

Let me know your thoughts.

Monday, 16 February 2009

Tonight is my first stand up night!

Ever since a very young age I have considered myself to be a fairly funny lad.

I guess this helps if you wish to pursue a career in comedy. Ever since I can remember I have done little sketches at school and on friends' cameras. Heres one of the earliest I could find.



So tonight I break my duck and attempt my first live comedy performance. Spencer and I are doing a few sketches with others and I'm doing a bit on my own. I am slightly shitting it. My own bit is very random and involves me pretending the crowd ( if there is one ) is actually there for a ghost walk. I then tell some very daft ghost stories and leave the stage!

Oh how I hope this works.

I shall make sure I update the blog tomorrow to tell you all how it went. AHHhhhhhhhh.

Oh sod it. I'm sure it will be fine.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Beating siblings.

I saw a video the other day and it really reminded me of how competitive me and my siblings were as kids. I still believe that Stephen would find more joy in beating me at something than any other person in the world. In fact if Stephen me and Usain Bolt had a 100m metre race and Stephen weirdly won, I don't think he would bat an eyelid at beating the world record holder. Oh no! He would be straight over to me shouting "In your face!"

As you can imagine growing up with three siblings meant that winning at anything was the greatest of achievements. Winning meant that you could swan around the house with a big smug smile on your face. Winning meant whenever you felt like it you could say. "I am the best I WON!!"

There is still nothing worse than seeing a smug, 'I'm better than you' smile on my sister's or brother's face. It probably still is the thing that gets me angry the quickest. With all this at stake it really can bring out the greatest celebration moments. Moments where you totally lose it. Sod being a good sportsman and congratulating the efforts of the competitors. This is the time to enjoy your glory. This is the time to rub it in their faces. This is the time to show your victory dance!!


Friday, 13 February 2009

Sorry bout that.

This morning I put the jack socket from my earphones, which is meant to go in the ipod, in my right ear and vice versa. I thought that was pretty dumb until a mate sent me this.

Planes pants and frozen lakes.

Now this is one of the funniest things i've seen for a while. Done by a friend Mat McCallum. Good skills sir!

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Anyone can play guitar. But I don't want to.

Being a 13 yr old male is about the time you start seeing what tickles your fancy. Gangs of lads with one major thing in common start to form all over the playground.

Ooo we like football. Ooo we like cars. Ooo we like technical stuff and are really geeky. Ooo I like crisps. Though I was a member of the crisps gang I also joined the, Ooo we play a musical instrument and therefore are better than you group.

My first instrument of choice was to be the electric guitar. After almost drowning in my own dribble whilst watching Marty Mcfly do "Go Jonny Go" on the first Back to the future. This guitar scene blew me away. It has everything a thirteen year old boy longs for. Cool instrument, Cool guitar skills, Fit birds everywhere in awe of you, jocks looking on in amazement and time travel.

"Dad you must get me some guitar lessons!!!" I screamed at his bearded bemused face. Now my dad and John Peel were possible separated at birth. Not just cos of the hair issues but also the fact he has such a good music taste. Yes he likes all the oldies, King Crimson, Dylan, Zeplin, Bryn Howarth. But also his recent purchases have been albums like, Kings of Leon, The Prodigy and Rage Against The Machine. I'm not saying he is as in touch as Mr Peel was. Not all modern day music floated my dad's boat. Infact one of my favorite music themed quotes from my dad is "I just can't get on with that Rufus Wainwright. He gives me the willies." I don't think you're his type dad.

My father was actually over the moon that I wanted to follow in his guitaring footsteps, and agreed to fund my future rock n roll career. Straight away I was given a guitar as an early birthday present. Now I was kinda thinking of a purple flying V shaped guitar, but what I got was more like the guitar that the bird Maria has on the film the sound of music. Not the best start. Soon after though my lessons were booked in the diary, and I was getting on the road to rock stardom. It wasn't going to be long before I was a time traveling guitar hero, blowing the nipples off 1950's high school kids. Saying I guess you aint ready for that yet.... But your kids are gonna love.

THE DAY OF THE FIRST LESSON

I made sure i was wearing the coolest clothing I could find. At the time a Hi-Tech multi colored shellsuit was the weapon of choice. Making sure I used gel and was chewing a fat piece of gum we headed off in my tour bus otherwise known as dads Volvo.

"Here we are son" The tour manager pronounced. "cheers dad... I mean tour manager man" I enter the arena, a 1970's semi detached house. Of course we head straight for the garage. I'm mean we are going to be making some killer noises, best keep it away from the ladies. The garage door swings open "hello Cleveland!!" Looking around the garage it started to sink in how cool this was, and possibly the most manly I had ever felt to date, I'm mean how much more manly can you get than playing loud acoustic guitar to differing Black n Decker power tools.

All was going well at this point. " Take a seat Martin", the teacher instructed. " Its ok I'm happy to stand here with one foot up on this amp/lawn mower, its my preffered rock stance." The teacher insisted i sit down, so I take a seat. It was a good job he did, I probably would have passed out from what was about to happen. Sat there eagerly waiting to be told that the first lesson when learning to play guitar is how to hold off crowds of crazed babes. This was not quite to be the case.

The teacher and I are both sat opposite one another, he hands me a small metal deck chair device. " Whats this?" I chuckle as if to say you ain't gonna get me that easily. "Its for putting your foot on Martin" " For what?!!?" "for resting your leg open so you can hold your guitar like this" His guitar is now nearly up right and resting on his genitals. "What!!??"

My dad had in fact signed me up for classical/Spanish guitar lessons. Nooooo Seriously uncool. Seriously no chicks will dig this. Now i'm imagining me back in time, in the 1950's. I now get handed an acoustic guitar. Oo wait a minute where's my little foot stool. Have you got a seat. Ooo lets play a little flamenco classical number. The dance floor is silent. No-one says a word. People's jaws have taken the elevator to the basement. I get up all smug and say "I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet.... But your PARENTS are gonna love it."


Monday, 9 February 2009

Man creche and fat lobes

As the years go by you start to notice funny little changes to your body. Moobs, gut, hair, lack of hair, Slight smell of death?

One of the many things I have noticed recently is that my ear lobes are growing fatter. Is this possible? I have never heard this being mentioned as a "problem area" on how to look good naked. Personally I find this rather shameful and am therefore quite shy about my fat lobes.

But this insecurity means nothing to my ever caring better half. She actually thinks they are very cute, and the worst thing about that is she loves to honk them!!!

Now I can usually see a lobe honking coming a mile off. We will be chilling out on the couch, all of a sudden her eyes gaze at my face, then slowly seem to get slightly distracted. I start to think that my wife has gone bog eyed.

No no no

She has in her sights frimly fixed on the lobes. A smile rises on her face, followed very quickly by her hand moving towards my ear, and ............HONK!! Damn it!!

I ask her constantly to stop but she carries on regardless. Worst of all she sometimes actually invites other girls to have a feel for themselves!!!!! Its even more humiliating than having my mum spit on a tissue to wipe my face when i was a child. OR even more humiliating than having to try trousers on in the shop because mum couldn't be bothered to queue for the changing rooms. The shame.

Now I thought I was all alone in this lobe patronising state. All alone that was until last week.

It was a typical Saturday shopping trip, I was sat in the Topshop man creche. Man creche I hear you question?? You know, its where they have the chairs outside the girls changing rooms, especially for the poor blokes who dutifully wait whilst there beautiful maiden takes 50 dresses into the room even though 5 is the limit.

Now you ladies wouldn't know this, but there are some clear rules of engagement to get blokes through the man creche time.

Rule number one, Look as busy or bored as possible. The main aim of this rule is to not let the other blokes think for one minute that you enjoy shopping. For them to think that you are some dutiful servant, who likes nothing more than to follow his other half around the shops like rain man, would be so shameful, you may as well start wearing a thong and become one of the cheeky girls. So to prevent any sign of looking happy a lot of tutting sighing and general pretending to text a mate goes on in MAN CRECHE.

Anyhoot.

I'm sat down with about 5 other blokes. Tutting sighing and texting away. All of a sudden a door swings open. Is it me!! IS IT ME!!! has my time finally come to leave man creche....Nooo!!! My fair maiden is only on dress 26.

A pretty young lady smiles and walks over to one of the lead tutters in man creche. He was looking so annoyed with waiting I thought he was going to bludgeon the over fashioned changing room assistant. The pretty young lady goes to her dutiful rainman, She smiles as if to say Good boy for waiting. She starts to glance away from his face. Her arm starts to rise up and..... yes you guessed it, she starts honking his earlobe, telling him how soft they are. HAHAHA its not just me!!!!

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Sunday, 8 February 2009

New Coldplay video

I was lucky enough to get asked to puppeteer on Dougal Wilson's latest video for Coldplay. I love puppeteering. Will & Jonny at darkvast are some of the funniest lads I've met in weeks. Check their stuff at www.darkvast.com

Here's me on set. Not the best pic. I look like Stanley Kubrick in winter warmers.

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The video is here.

Silly little pics

Very much like the SILLY LITTLE VIDEO thing. Pictures that make me chuckle.

Pic 1.
Simons head (Bottom right) looks like it is sliding down his arm.

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Pic 2.
Me searching for my car keys inside Gemma's chest. And I dont even drive. You do the maths!!

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A look around london

Taken from our Playstation Movement tour. Spencer showing me london town.



As for Kate. Well she is also loving London too. Mainly for the abundance of nice new handbags.

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I'm in another ad!

Bloomin cheeky bar stewards. Looks like the people at playstation forgot to tell me they were stealing my beautifulness for there latest ad. Can you spot my silly head. 35 seconds in.

Silly little vid

Some people do sports, some people like to knit, some people paint, some people go out for a long drive, really fast up a mountain whilst listening to Chris Rea. Shouting at the moon. I do non of the above.

Whenever I'm bored or feeling a little down I like to do what I call "SILLY LITTLE VIDEOS".

There's usually no sense to these videos, They really are just something to keep my mind busy. Its kinda like in the series heroes when the painters eyes fog over and he has no control over what he's doing. Then at the end he wakes up and stares at what he has done, with a look of, What the bloody hell is that?

This was a product of going out on a nice sunday walk. Look out for future SILLY LITTLE VIDEOS posts.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Ask me some questions and i'll tell you some lies.

Here's one of those annoying but ever so slightly interesting questionnaire things. I thought I'd have a go. You simply have to list 25 facts or nots so fact things about yourself. Mine are mainly true.

1. I'm crying on the inside

2. When I was 14 I went swimming with my youth club, I was the only lad to still be wearing tiny swimming trunks. No one had told me that we had got to the shorts wearing age. I spent the entire time hiding in the water.

Finally I got out, went to my locker thinking the ordeal was over. Only to find that some chav had stolen my bag with all my clothes in it. This meant I had to stand under the hot shower to keep warm, whilst all my friends were now fully clothed and mocking my skimpy trunks

A couple of days later it was a story in my local paper. Thanks mum.

3. I really dislike theatrical people. they make me suck a nut.

4. Xfactor does make my hairs stand on end. Kate finds it hilarious.

5. I was a reviewer on channel fives kids show the mag. I had spikey hair and looked insane!

6. I cant drive and have no real desire to. Kate and her family think this is an area of ribbing. I tried a few lessons but got bored and started aiming the car into puddles. My lessons ended when the driving instructor made me turn my mix cd that I had done for the lesson off. No word of a lie. I got him to let me put some of my own tunes on.

7. I think cheese is genius!

8. I used to ask to go to the toilet in PE in jnr school to go and hide my class mates shoes. Not as a big joke but so that I could be the person who finds them later. I wanted to be known as a really good finder. Ooo yeah.

9. I fell 12ft out of a bar in thailand onto a log. Photobucket

10. I hate cards. They are a total waste of time and money. Although I do carry one card with me whenever I'm away on a job. its from my lovely wife and has lots of encouraging things in it.

11. I have never been in a fight. Though I do think I have a mean right punch.

12. When I was a kid I wanted to have the super power to freeze time. Mainly so that I could look at girls boobies. I guess I should have studied to be a doctor instead. Though a super power is probably more likely to happen for me.

13. I don't understand people who dont like music. People who say. I dont really have a taste in music. I guess I like a bit of pop. AHHHhhhhhhh these people to me are zombies.

14. I'm going bald and I fricking loath it. I think I would even prefer to be ginger.

15. I wish I moved to London sooner. though I do miss my band and friends up there. Oo and family. Nottingham is shite though.

16. I hate when people use the following words. Genius, Random, Like, No way, totally, check you out, Or when everything is sooo amazing. Get a grip.

17. I hate it when people go up at the end of there sentences so everything sounds like a question. EG: I saw timmy the other day and he was like hello? WHAT!!!!!!

18. I once tried to jump off our patio on my bmx stunt bike. But I failed and crashed. The only place of injury was a friction burn on my ball sack. It hurt for days. I guess its quite salty down there.

19. I wasnt bothered when our cat died. Even though I pretended to be and even made a lolly pop stick cross.

20. I once bit on a crunch corner and split my tooth in two.

21. I once had a dream that I donated the heel of my foot to a kid with a clef pallet. The surgeons removed my heel scooped out the extra bone bits and stuck it in the kids mouth.

22. I have just started a blog space http://dinnersintheblog.blogspot.com And have realised how self obsessed I am. Who cares what i'm doing or thinking. I'm even spending 30 mins on this!!! Help!

23. My favourite thing in a home is lamps. I love a good bit of lighting.

24. I wish I was funnier.

25. I really do love appreciate my wife, friends and family. And consider myself very lucky to have so much ... one last fact that is officially the gayest sentence I have ever written. FACT!

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Friday, 6 February 2009

South africa

I just had an amazing week in Cape town. Some of my pics.

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We were shooting a new advert for McCain oven chips. I did a bit of acting but I also gained a new skill. Sound!!!

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Also managed a bit of down time.

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A bit of booze goes a long way.

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Safari!

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Track of the entire trip has to be MIA Paper planes. It was the only track on Now 85 south africa that was anywhere near good.